Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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