So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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