I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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