i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
