Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Randomize
