I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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