beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
