im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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