I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
