Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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