Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
