The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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