It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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