What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
