conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
