Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
