Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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