I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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