dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She bit a glass in half.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
