He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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