I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
