My friends, they love my intelligence
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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