It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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