you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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