While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
