Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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