Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
