I skipped work to stalk him.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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