I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm at about main and main street
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
