Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
