Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
