Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Mom said you looked used
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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