So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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