I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
