all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I am naked and annoyed.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
