Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
