Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
