My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize