we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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