Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
