Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
