What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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