Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
