The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
