I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize