My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
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