Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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