If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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