If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
