someone get that fucking seahorse.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I need a beard to bite.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
