around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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