Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
