I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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