U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
